Fashionably Forever After: Hot Damned (Unabridged‪)‬

A movie deal for the devil's autobiography slash romance? Priceless.

Maybe I should choose George Clooney to play me in the movie.... No. Too gray.

As much as I can't see anyone playing me but me, I have far more important issues on my agenda - like finding the woman who stole my soul. Well, not exactly stole.... I might have made the switch and taken hers, but the siren Elle Rinoa has my soul nonetheless.

Maybe Brad Pitt would be a good Lucifer.... No. Too blond.

Fate and I are on a crash course with destiny, looking for the one woman who can change both of our lives - mine for the better, Fate's for the worse. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think the devil could have a happily ever after, but now I have hope.

Maybe Jamie Dornan would do me justice.... No. Fifty shades of wrong.

Armed with a tremendously bad attitude and with my two grumpy nieces in tow, I will find my woman and make her stay - even if I have to cuff her to me for the rest of eternity. Elle Rinoa is mine, and as soon as she sees everything my way we will be fine.

Maybe Dwayne Johnson would be an excellent Satan.... No. Too bald.

Whatever. With my insane mother proposing a disturbingly psychotic plan to find my girl and my father breaking every appliance in heaven and hell, I feel I have no choice but to go with my mother's half-baked scheme. I've done crazy, but this one will take the cake or put me six feet under - for real.

How about Joe Manganiello playing me? No. I'm prettier.

My siren doesn't know what's about to hit her. I play for keeps, and I play to win. Of course I cheat, but that's neither here nor there. It's showtime, folks.