A-Train Lullaby

A Message to the Reader:

I started writing this book in 1995, when I was still not yet thirty years old but approaching it too quickly to not make note of where I was, who I was, or why I was. The story behind the reason for writing is a part of this work so I wont burden you with it twice, but I will say that I have never had more intimate conversations with God both frustrating and revealing than on those 4 a.m.s while staring at a blank page or screen. I think that on some level, one of the reasons why it has taken me so long to finally put this before you has been simply that I will miss those particular conversations, and I havent quite figured out what else I want to talk about.

So many things have happened since the final draft was completed. So many of the endings to these stories have changed. I swear I thought about Lullaby every day. I went from rejection to rejection, first draft to third, and another couple of years passed. I never gave up on the notion that I wanted it out there, but I couldnt simply let it go. The unmentionable then occurred on September 11th, 2001, and after that morning nothing made sense or mattered much, aside from the fact that somehow, I was still alive and breathing and trying not to lose my mind. My coworkers and I were beginning our day across the street from the Towers when it all began, and I join the sentiments of thousands maybe millions when I say that we struggle on a daily basis to maintain some semblance of equanimity.

I write this message to you a little over four months from that day so full of fear and love. Even on that day, I swear I thought about Lullaby and how maybe someday someone would find it in the rubble of what was left and have a smile over what New York City was before it was obliterated. For months I have been wondering whether its the right thing to do, to put this out there at a time when really, who cares about one womans ride on the A train? How selfish and careless of me would it be to expect that anyone will read this and connect after all that has happened and is happening on this beloved planet? Over and over again I have asked myself these questions.

Then I saw The Nutcracker and Contact with my mom during the Christmas holidays. I listened to Nanci Griffith sing during her concert at the Beacon Theatre in December and just recently, I almost passed out with laughter during John Leguizamos one-man explosion called Sexaholix. Ive seen A Beautiful Mind, The Majestic, Vanilla Sky and Oceans 11 in the span of one month, and Ive read the last verse of Bruce Springsteens Land of Hope and Dreams pinned to one of the walls in my office cubicle - once a day. At the office Holiday party a woman sang Oh Come, All Ye Faithful, and I hugged everyone I hadnt seen since September for at least five minutes each and then I danced a few body parts clear off of my person.

A friend and I were writing each other recently about the pain following the loss of a loved one. Everyone grieves in their own way, but what remains constant is that sometimes ruthlessly, the rest of the world moves forward in its evolution, regardless of the fact that for you, time has stopped. It seems unfair sometimes that even in the face of the world your world ending, Earth doesnt take a breather and give you a few minutes or days to get your heart back inside of your chest. It seems a curse. But its a blessing. Its a blessing that in the face of so much, Nanci and Bruce still write and sing, The New York City Ballet still dances, John still makes us laugh, and people still believe.

So, I am taking the next step in the life of Lullaby, and Im placing it in your hands with all the love and hope for its appreciation that I can muster. The world as many of us know it has ended and we may never fully understand why, but I would betray the Force behind my every inspiration if I didnt allow this to completely evolve.