Illusory pushing the LOVE relationships into a beautiful direction

Each time when i don't understand something that bothers me into my real life ... i start writing a book about it.
Trying to clarify it.
To deeply understand what is going on.
And ... i write and write.
All being a form of ... self-therapy.
So ... this time i come in front of the public asking myself ... why the hell i continue pushing the love connection that i am involved in?!
Why i can't stop myself doing it?!
Why those connections related to duality ... fail so often?!
Why i can't continue being happy like i was into the
beginning?!
Why i can't experience the happiness in continuous form?!
And the answers are so, so contradictory ... making me much more confused than i actually was before as all this process of meditation to start.
So ... yes ... the book itself is about the process of self
therapy ... cause i am really trying to understand my own life ... but somehow defining the mistakes we all do ... while into a love story.
And it's not that i am not able to clearly see reality ... but
most certainly i don't know anything about the importance of ... disconnection.
I guess ... nobody told me that it's stupid and useless to
continue watering a dead flower ... and this is why it all
becomes a nonsense into the end.
But ... at least i try to find out the answers of all those
critical questions which are torturing me.
Again and again.
The funny thing is that ... unconsciously i know all, same as the others ... but i deny it cause i can't accept the idea that i live into a world dominated by ephemerality.
Yes ... I just can't accept that any story has a beginning, the story itself and the end.
I deny it ... writing ... and illusory believing that i'll come up with a new theory that will actually redefine the world we're living in.
Well ... realistically speaking i am too naive and because of my actual age ... i can certainly be defined as stupid too.
And still ... i keep defining.
I mean ... the illusory which is dominating my whole
existence.