The Cool Thing: A Dark Comedy. Or Not‪.‬

A couple discover a buried UFO. The flying saucer ain't empty and this ain't their lucky day. This is a tale about aliens, mutants, paranormal romance... and dipstick humans.  —"fun, irreverent, and scary" —"this story will blow you away" —"ribald and frequently hilarious"
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A crooked antiques dealer and his street girl acquire a device taken from an ancient spaceship. They think it's a medieval breastplate. It's not. It's part of a spacesuit that can nullify distance, allowing access to a lab inside the craft. A lab with a terrifying history of failed genetic engineering. Not all failures die; occasionally one escapes, vastly invigorating the human staff. Especially those who get eaten.The girl accidentally activates the armor and is snatched into the lab by an amorous mutant. Death would be an improvement on her fate. The lovesick crook blindly charges to the rescue... and the feces flies.