Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses

During a discussion at school about what parents did for a living the teacher asked one boy what his dad’s job was and the lad said, "My Dad runs the local fire station. He's the station officer." The teacher said, "That’s excellent Simon. Your Dad’s got a very responsible job.” The teacher then asked the boy sat next to him what his dad did and the boy said, “My dad drives an ambulance. He’s in charge of the local ambulance service.” And the teacher said, “That’s fantastic Bobby. Well done.” The teacher then asked another boy what his dad did and the boy replied, “My dad runs the local prison.” And the teacher said, “Excellent, Johnny! Is he the prison governor?” And Johnny said, “No Miss - he's the hardest c*nt in there!"

The first time I was sent to jail I took it really badly. I refused to eat or drink. I lashed out and spat and swore at anyone who came near me. I threw chairs and tables around the room. I even smeared my own faeces all over the walls. After that we never played Monopoly ever again in our house!

I was driving down the road the other day with my wife and my two kids and there was a bin lorry in front of us and all of a sudden this huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen and the kids shouted, “WOW! What was that Dad?” Embarrassed, and not wanting to tell them what it really was, I said, “It was just a flying insect.” To which my youngest replied, “Was it? I'm surprised it could get off the f*cking ground with a cock that big!”

They were just jokes. Obviously! Which relate to stories in the book. Though Billy has been in prison. And a huge dildo didn’t really fall out of the back of a bin lorry and bounce off Billy’s windscreen as he was driving behind it with his wife and kids. And his youngest didn’t say that either. Though if Billy was driving behind a bin lorry with his wife and kids and a huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen Billy’s youngest probably would come out with something like that!

Written by true-life story and adult humour writer Billy Graham, Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses is the most outrageous adult humour book ever written. Not many people have led the kind of life that Billy has led. Not many would want to either! And very few people have seen and done the things that Billy has seen and done. And throughout it all Billy has taken the same attitude; laugh about it. No matter the situation. And if you like a laugh and a joke yourself and you’ve got a broad sense of humour - an extremely broad sense of humour! - then this is the book for you. Though no doubt some will take offence. Including Prince Andrew if he reads what Billy says about him and his kiddie fiddling pal Jeffrey Epstein in the story The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round And When The Bus Stops A Paedophile Gets On!

Billy’s book is shockingly funny. And a script for a television comedy drama based on it is now being written. It’s also in memory of Ethan - another young life gone too soon. Though whether you buy the book or not, remember Billy’s life advice: “Just be yourself. And if people don’t like you for who you are then fuck em!” And as Billy’s old pal Bernard Manning once said, “Don’t take life to seriously. Have a laugh and a joke. Because if you don’t you’ll lead a very miserable life.” How very true.

Click on ‘sample’ to read opening stories and to see full list of hilarious story titles. Contains extremely strong language and adult humour. As you’ve probably already guessed!