Chasing for feeding my soul with certain vibes, but ... failing

I try to understand myself.
Analysing and defining all what i really want.
Illusory believing ... i actually know all ... cause i know
myself well.
And ... i allow as everything to happen ... just as i want.
Easily revealing all my desires ... expecting as the next
moment ... beautiful vibes to overwhelm me.
But ... it just didn't happen.
And today ... it doesn't happen either.
With all that ... I've remained still confident.
Hoping.
Convincing myself that it's better to illusory hope, than to abandon the hope.
You see ... because of my age ... my main focus is today on duality.
The one related to the connection man-woman.
Chasing ... for a certain type of scenario ... with a certain
type of lady ... and expecting to get from that connection vibes ... which are extremely closed with the magic.
Cause ... that is what i want.
Magic.
Yes ... magic.
And nothing related to the ordinary life ...
So ... i am writing ... simply defining into an illusory poetic style ... the star that i see and admire ... but cannot have it.
Being too far.
Or maybe ... just an illusion.
Like ... anything else.