County Caught

The Vast Cast...

The Injured Parties...

The Pea-Soopes; His Lordship, an upright and honest, spaniel loving man, his wife, Lady Melinda, short in stature, thin of limb and brandishing a mass of red hair that suggests an inevitable toppling. Their daughter Emily Jane who is, like, so in love, yeah, and their son Stanley, a spotty boy prone to bouts of phallus studying (mainly his own) and sulking, in equal measure and often undertaken simultaneously.

The Pea-Soopes’ Factotums; Pansy the Cook, a large and cuddly old lady with a dislike of onions and a tendency to talk to herself. Lucy and Abigail, lesbians and a lovely pair of buxom maids. Lance the flatulent footman and his inexplicable penchant for obfuscation, and Jacob the senile old butler who appears to be perpetually confused.

The Loostockings; Agnes, an angry man hating spinster perpetually disappointed with her daughter Deardree who by all accounts is quite simply a slut.

The Hoot-Kaykes; Captain John, a wife beating ex-soldier, his son Buck who is just like his father and dear, sweet Dafney, terribly oppressed and as loyal to her two men as a well trained spaniel.

The Wettgrass’; Douglas the inoffensive father with a testicle fixation, his pregnant wife Flower, the boss of the household and knower of all things. Their daughter Rose, a beautiful vet-to-be, Pansy, just as bravely pregnant as her mother, poor Tom, vewy bwight but with a little speesh pwoblem, younger Bill with his weapons fixation and habit of making traps then immediately forgetting where they are, and highly spirited Douglas Junior who wants to be an explorer, mainly of some exotic place he’s heard of called the nether regions.

The Adjudicators...

Tiddly Loosebottom, alcoholic and out of work actress, Anna Rowbik, fitness fanatic and time obsessive, Richard “Dick” Fondler, builder, sexual pervert, Professor Regius intellect and lover of precisely cut sausages, Brimful Cranium, accident prone student with an eidetic memory, Millie Watt, disastrous inventor and stressed mother, Mrs Doze Murmuring, shop owner who takes no shit from anyone, especially her customers, Chief Nightstick, paranoid about his own baldness and possessing an unhealthy dislike of barbers, Russel Sprout, chef of such unusually unique dishes as stickleback surprise, snake egg omelette and his speciality, beans on toast with a sprinkling of deep-fried newt’s scrotums. Limp Softap, teenage victim of bullying who works in Intimate Parts, you know, that sex shop on the high street? Alice “Thumper” Allfolk, fighter, drinker, fighter, fighter, and last but not least, Nick Lotts, unemployed pickpocket, thief and coordinator of a vastly complex underground network of ne’er-do-wells.

And lest we forget...

An assortment of extras including but not limited to; Betty Swollocks, actress and drinking companion, Bunglespew the baker dwarf, Nurse Penny the inadvertent masochist and Mr Pillpat who owns the newsagents on Frompt Road (50% off a 25g bag of frozen newt’s scrotums with this ad). But none more relevant than the right Honourable Julia Daniel, Second Duchess of Kramd, at whose behest we meet...