Now that I’m a mom, I know the most painful part isn’t getting something giant through your hooha. It’s having a real live child.
If you are the kind of mom who shapes your kiddo’s organic quinoa into reproductions of the Mona Lisa, do not read this book. If you stayed up past midnight to create posters for your PTO presidential campaign, do not read this book. If you look down your nose at parents who have Domino’s pizza on speed dial, do not read this book.
But if you are the kind of parent who accidentally goes ballistic on your rugrats every morning because they won’t put their shoes on and then you feel super guilty about it all day so you take them to McDonald’s for a special treat but really it’s because you opened up your freezer and panicked because you forgot to buy more frozen pizzas, then absolutely read this book.
I Want My Epidural Back is a celebration of mediocre parents and how awesome they are and how their kids love them just as much as children with perfect parents. Karen Alpert’s honest but hilarious observations, stories, quips and pictures will have you nodding your head and peeing in your pants. Or on the toilet if you’re smart and read it there.
New York Times bestselling author Alpert (I Love My Little A-holes; the Baby Sideburns parenting blog) continues her comic routine on the indignities of motherhood with this witty collection of anecdotes and reflections on parenting. This hilarious memoir of "mediocre" parenting in the 21st century covers everything from bribing kids with screen time to attempting crafts seen on Pinterest. Alpert affectionately refers to her two children, Zoey and Holden, as "douchenuggets." She upends helicopter parenting in favor of a more realistic "half-assed" multitasking. Acknowledging the less glamorous side of parenting, she comically writes about the trials of potty training and planning birthday parties for six-year-olds at a "bounce house." With titles like "And for Dinner I Gave My Kids an Eating Disorder," and "Bedtime Is for Succcckers" she delightfully chronicles life as a "kickass mediocre parent." She also composes lists on such topics as "Shit I do that I know I shouldn't do," such as letting the TV babysit, and "10 things I'm gonna say from now on when someone tries to tell me how to parent MY child." Alpert is honest, humbling, and crass in this irreverent account on parenting. She doesn't miss a beat, and mothers will find this playful book reassuring and endlessly funny, knowing they're not the only ones who struggle to get their kids to wipe after going to the bathroom.