You're having a baby. That's it. Game over, man.
Life as you know it is done.
Go ahead, freak out. Comic Chris Mancini was terrified of his impending fatherhood. But soon after throwing up upon seeing the little blue line, he realized that most expectant dads sometimes feel nervous, depressed, or powerless -- like a new baby is guy-kryptonite. Chris has been there and survived it. He'll talk you off the ledge.
Naturally, you have plenty of questions: How many diapers will I really have to change? Will I ever have sex again? When should I mention that new 50-inch LCD television I want? Is it okay to play Grand Theft Auto while I hold my kid? Aren't there robots that can do most of this stuff by now? From fearing the ovulation kit, to leaving your child with a complete stranger when you go back to work, to the best and worst parts of being a parent, to wondering if Dr. Spock really is like Mr. Spock, Pacify Me is full of honest, hilarious, and insightful advice for new dads. Like, if you screw up a little the first time you're alone with the baby, it's not as if she's going to tattle. And babies love the mall.
The truth is, the anxiety leading up to your child's birth is way worse than the anxiety of actually having a child. Soon you'll discover that the joy of experiencing life through innocent new eyes more than makes up for having to send your inner teenager to bed before midnight, unless there's something cool on Adult Swim.