The Chicago Way

Traffic TicketsWhat a PainEvery police officer is issued a traffic summons book when he isassigned to a district. The supervisors have what we used to call a quotaon tickets issued. When an officer is assigned to the traffic division, he isexpected to write at least eight moving violations a shift. But that is all hehas to do; he doesnt handle any crime scenes or domestic disturbancesor whatever else comes along. On occasion, he has to handle a trafficaccident, but thats about all. Dont get me wrong. I hated to writetickets, especially moving violations like red lights, speeding, or no leftturn. Parking tickets were also a pain in the ass; all they accomplish isthat the poor soul that gets the ticket now hates you.I guess that they are a necessity though, and maybe in some waythey help keep drivers from getting too crazy behind the wheel of theircar or truck. Personally, I would rather be out in the street locking upbad guys and harassing gang bangers. Some of these traffic guys reallylike working traffic, giving out their quota of summons, and putting afew drunk drivers in jail before they kill somebody or themselves.People that get stopped by the police for a traffic violation reallycome up with some original excuses. I remember an elderly lady that westopped for driving the wrong way on a one-way street. This violationis usually an open-and-shut case. When I asked her for her driverslicense and explained why we had stopped her, she called me a liarand asked why wasnt I out chasing down dope dealers or communistsinstead of bothering a woman alone in a car trying to get home.20 DON HERIONNo matter what I said to her, she had a look of hate in her eyes;and if she had a gun, she would have shot me dead. When I beganopening the summons book to write her the ticket, she pulled anacting job on me that was a beauty. The first thing she did was to rollher eyes up in her head and then grab her heart like she was going tohave a heart attack right there. Well, needless to say, she hit the rightbutton and her act worked. Even though I knew she was probablyfaking it, I didnt want to take a chance of her dropping dead in frontof me. I asked her if she needed an ambulance or wanted to be takento the nearest hospital. She said that she only lived two blocks fromthere and that her heart pills were in her bathroom. She explainedthat if she got them, she was sure to be OK. Well, at this point, I waspretty aggravated and couldnt imagine myself giving this wacky broadmouth-to-mouth resuscitation if she was telling the truth. Of course,I told her that we would be glad to drive her home if she couldntdrive. She said no, that she felt better, and she thought that she coulddrive home OK.I said, OK, lady, under the circumstances, I wont give you a ticketthis time but that you had better be more alert in the future. I just knewthat I made this old broads day when she thought she really bullshittedme about the heart attack. To top it off, when she was driving away,she winked at me and said, Thanks, Officer, have a nice day.The best part of all is when I got back in the squad car, my partnerBob was just shaking his head and laughing. It seems that he hadstopped this old witch in the past for doing the same thing and shepulled the heart attack routine on him too. He admitted that he didntwant to take a chance and have the old broad drop dead on him eitherand gave her a pass. The thing that got him was when her eyes wentup in her head and all he could see was the whites of her eyes. Lateron, we talked to a few of the other guys that were working in that partof the district, and they all had stopped her for doing the same thing,driving the wrong way on a one-way street. They all witnessed herheart attack routine, and none of them gave her a ticket. I thought,your day will come, you old bitty. Not only will I give her a ticket, butIll also tow her car.Im reminded of another traffic story that was really good.