Hunting illusions

It's been a long way.
You see ... I've lied a lot.
I mean so, so much ... and even lying myself.
Yeah ... somehow claiming i am on a motivational path of life ... but ...
Well ... today all it's unclear.
And ... i balance emotionally between being confused and ...
realising i had enough of all what is happening.
Of my stupid behaviour.
Of ...
Of ...
Of ...
It's for sure time for a change ... i know it ... but ...
I mean ... i feel I've probably finished another unfinished
book about something quite illusory ... being into a transitory state between Carla and Hanna.
Speaking a lot with one.
Ignoring the other one ... but actually spending a lot of time with her.
And ...
So ... i keep writing ... even being unclear of which of those women i am talking about ... and there will be some even saying that i have hallucinations.
For real.
But it's not that.
No ...
I just chase for a certain type of energy which I can not find anymore ... even if years ago Sheila gave it to me.
Of course ... life itself continues.
Hunting new and new illussions ... but realistically speaking jumping from one lady to the other.
Seeing it ... as a way of enjoying life.
Even claiming that it's all an ... art.
A new era of my existence.
And in front of all the ones blaming me for what i am
doing ... i only act as a gaslighter ... asking ... "What the hell are you talking about?!"
Smiling.
Being even ... sarcastic ... but pretending i am sort of a
philosopher.
One ... a little bit insane.