Inspector Baseheart's Secret Files

As usual Inspector Baseheart’s plate is filled with blood and baloney. These are the never-before revealed Secret Files. Why have they been kept secret? The estimable Howard Cress of Fortnight Publications writes an introductory comment which treats of this issue, and also of the quirky personality of the man who is the world’s most famous detective since Sherlock Holmes.
Of course, it is the excitement and the complexity of these investigative files which have fascinated readers over the years. Here are a few tantalizing tidbits:
A wealthy heiress calls Inspector Baseheart with problems. Her horoscope has recommended caution: “You will die April 10 at 2:30 p.m.” A fortune teller has taken one look at her palm and fainted. The leaves in her teacup appear to her as a grinning skull. One week later she is dead! The inspector is interviewed on the television program Today’s Murder “Inspector! The crime was impossible! How did it happen?”
A ferocious, carnivorous Ape Man has escaped his cage at the Downtown Sports Center, and has attacked and devoured many victims. The entire city is threatened! The creature prefers Vegetable Lasagna with meat sauce, but has been spotted lurking near the City Orphanage! A giant Havahart trap has been especially constructed by experts from the Municipal Zoo and it is painstakingly baited with only organically grown ingredients. Wait! There is no garlic bread! Holding the loaf of bread like a football, Gonzalo must become a professional running back and risk death to save the metropolis!
A high school English teacher is forced to diagram sentences by fiendish but mediocre former students. Mistakes call for amputations. Misplaced modifiers “are single knuckle offenses, while Improper Subject-Verb Agreement can result in a “beheading.”
Inspector Baseheart has a bone to pick with Aesop. Why?
Baseheart wonders:
Q: Why don’t people want the stuffed head of a gorilla mounted over the fireplace?
A: They always look like they’re about to make trouble.
A billionaire’s well protected compound has been successfully invaded. The suspected burglar has neutralized the heat and motion sensors and passed unscathed through a minefield. He has surmounted a 12ft. wall topped by electrified razor wire. After all this, how does he prevent a highly trained cadre of Vegan Hunchbacks from tearing him to pieces? Of course it is by donning a Lady GaGa Meat Dress and wearing furry flip-flops! But how was he able to get back out? Only Inspector Baseheart has the answer.
And what is the distinction between a useful fallacy and a misleading factual truth?
Ask Inspector Baseheart. Or read this book.