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A college student from Earth meets a man claiming to be a Dread Space Pirate. He turns out to be a funny but idealistic rake with a reputation in seven star systems and counting. Also a rebel leader and hero who always tells the truth, at least when he's not joking around. Adventures, laughter and sexual shenanigans across the galaxy ensue in this romantic sci-fi comedy featuring starships, chases, battles, mad computer AI, androids, bounty hunters, a galactic porn star and eventually far too much of an obsession with shopping and shoes, even as a secret Rebellion begins against an evil Galactic Empire.
"We're now about ... one hundred light years from your apartment."
Her face was expressionless when she replied:
But he continued, on an upbeat note:
"On the plus side we can now be as loud as we want when having sex and your roommate shouldn't be able to hear."
Richard and Susan were talking in the ship's lounge area. They stood quite close to one another. Two empty drinking glasses sat on a low table near them. Susan was quizzing him and, at least ostensibly, sizing him up for potential long-term life mate material. He already had the two bare minimum qualifications in her book: being a swarthy space pirate on the run from law enforcement, and a voice not unlike David Duchovny.
On a related note, the following facts were well-known among all sophisticated sentient beings in the kinkiest parts of the otherwise evil Galactic Empire: that in the absence of a lot of highly-skilled foreplay by a loving but experienced older man of great wealth -- one with plenty of free time and a wife out of town -- that there were only three sure-fire ways to give any woman in the galaxy an orgasm on demand:
A bottle of Hyper-Coke.
An unexpected night-time visit by a swarthy space pirate.
A new pair of shoes.
And Susan would be getting ALL of those things eventually. Repeatedly. Before breakfast. Every morning. And doubly so on the weekends.
This same incredibly wealthy woman also hired Stanley Opolis to build for her a custom fleet of android pool boys, with literally golden skin, muscular and ripped, and the exact abs of Ryan Reynolds of Earth. She was also quite adamant about having each android so well-hung that Stanley had to briefly bring a horse into his software studio when finalizing the design models for them in order to ensure that the androids "equipment" was realistic enough for her.
It was so realistic she was found dead a mere month after delivery. Her body by the side of the pool, with exact cause of death left to the public's imagination out of good taste.
"And um... She was born rich. She's also a good girl at heart, I think. But now all grown up and trapped inside the body of an incredibly bad adult woman with bountiful breasts and an a--"
Richard suddenly realized he had got too excited, he could tell, and therefore stopped himself. Remembering that he was in Susan's presence, his new current steady Earth girlfriend. In theory. So he turned it into a quick cough before continuing:
"Er, I mean. She has breasts just like any other woman has. Each one special in their own way. Yours for example are awesome. I love them. Both of them."
She glared at him.
"Anyway, she's rich and probably the most popular actress slash singer slash porn star in the galaxy. And believe me, there are LOTS of those. Plus she dabbles in lots of other businesses too, all of them related to her core line of work in some fashion.
"And what is her core line of work?" she asked.
"Prostitution, of course," he answered, as if it were obvious.