Sick love

I felt sick.
Intoxicated.
Poisoned.
And all was related with this illusory story which i pathetically defined so, so often ... in more than 75 books with essays ... as the love story of my life.
Doing it ... repeatedly.
So often ... that i believe someone should come and stop me.
Forbidden me to write.
All being about the inner illusory worlds ... and my journey in darkness.
This darkness which she induced to me ... so often that she made me suffer of a sickness which i could not understand.
A spiritual sickness.
One difficult to be ... healed.
So ... yes ... i write and write.
She's close to me.
Sleeping.
I just can't sleep into the night ... and I continue analysing and defining my thoughts and emotions ... illusory hoping that something will be re defined.
But ... days are passing ... and nothing changes.
She is still tormenting me ... doing it every single day. On and on and on.
Doing it obsessively.
Seeing into her eyes ... a pervert joy ... so difficult to be
understood and accepted ... but realising it actually
became ... an abstract form of normality.
I know ... i am incoherent.
I've always been ... and i'll continue being like that.
I know all.
I have clarity related to life.
I've learned theory well ... but on the stage of the real life...
it's just that ... i am not a good actor.
I define everything.
I speak about the fantasies from my mind ... but ... i just
can't experience those scenarios.
I simply can't.
I am probably suffering of a mental handicap.
... a secondary effect of all what she did to me ... for 3 years into the row.
Not 3 days.
Or 3 weeks.
Neither 3 months.
... but 3 damn years.
I've written a lot ... defining the hell i was living in with
her ... and of course it's in vain all what i am trying to say ... but ...
So ... it's all about the journey with her ... on many pathless paths.
Meanwhile ... I still dream.
I hope.
I expect a miracle to happen and change the dynamic of our relationship.
But ... her only purpose into this life ... is simply to torture me.
Everything is happening...being probably ... karmic.