Funny Jokes for All Occasions

"I'd rather be a glow worm.

"A glow worm's never glum.

"it's hard to be down-hearted,

"When the sun shines out your bum."

Anonymous.

With these words of wisdom, the reader of Jokes for all Occasions begins an hilarious, odd, strange thinking journey through a unique collection of hundreds of jokes collected from many people and places and life experiences. Sort of how Douglas Adams looked at the universe.

Most importantly, you will learn a rhyme which GENUINELY and CORRECTLY rhymes "PURPLE"!!

Absolutely true! It is genius!!!

Everybody knows that the essence of a joke is in the timing.

A few, deft words at exactly the right moment, can bring the house down with gales of laughter.

A few, ill-timed words at exactly the wrong moment, can make you wish to crawl into a hole and wither away. Actually, this happened to the author many years ago.

A good friend of ours had lost her mother a week previously and we had all attended the funeral. The next week, to take her mind off her loss, we had taken her out to dinner. Arriving home at her place very late, Jane still courteously asked us in for coffee.

Thoughtful and stupid as ever, I quickly said to Jane, "Won't your mummy and daddy mind?"

To which Jane replied with a straight face, "My mum died last week."

Oh.

Yet, for all that stupidity, a well-timed joke is a joy to the world. Who can ever forget the brilliant set-up by the creators of American Pie with the nerdy Alyson Hannigan constantly saying, "This one time...at band camp."

Still makes you smile, doesn't it.

Jokes can be used with affection, with mischief and with malice. The same few words in different circumstances can offer laughter or start a fight.

The jokes in Jokes for all Occasions are spread across a number of broad categories:

Miscellaneous (Who ARE these people?)

Men and Women and Other Aliens

Idiots

Clever (I use the term loosely.)

Blonde Jokes (Just a few variations on a theme)

Disturbing (Some people are just WIERD!)

Truth in a Joke

Ironic - Like rain on your wedding day.

Huh? (This was originally named wtf? but I thought better of it.

Chuck Norris - The Greatest Human Being - Ever.

Longer Jokes

Basically clean. Rated at worst PG. These jokes will bring laughter to your lips and air to your lungs.

Air to your lungs is always a good thing.

As the wonderful Spike Milligan has inscribed on his gravestone:

"I told you I was sick!"