Tilly and Elmer Get Warmed Up

Move over Dr. Zhivago. Step aside, Boris Pasternak. Don't even think about it, Omar Sharif.
Unknown author, Gene Clements, has created a frigid love story covering fifty years of romantic hardships, set against harsh Midwestern winters and bruised by lumpy, snow covered woodlands. You'll smile as the young Matilda cleverly ensnares a teenaged Elmer in a web of sexual desire, gasp as she nearly freezes to death as the result of a clumsy romantic gesture, blush as it's revealed who else knows his secret, recoil at his heartbreaking attempt, a half century later, to reprise a lifelong yearning, and find your spirits lifted (especially if you have a stiff drink in hand) by the story's touching climax.
Warning:
1. After reading this arctic romance, some readers have found themselves attempting to suppress an inward desire to speed up global warming.
2. Due to the icy nature of the work, it is recommended that it only be read during the summer, with the air conditioner turned off. This strategy can help neutralize the frigidity of the writing, help save the planet, and lower your electric bill.