"you know‪"‬

Imagine if FDR had said, “Yeah, well, I mean, the, uh, only, you know, thing we, um, have to, uh, fear, is, like, fear itself.”

Cassandra Hanesworth, a retired chair of the Department of Communication Studies at Denver University, gets fed up with people using interjections she calls “speakos” and is willing to pay the price to make the point that spoken language is an art form that should not be denigrated.

She kidnaps a host at Colorado Public Radio and forces him at gunpoint to apologize for setting a bad example—and then refuses to plea-bargain in order to use a trial to draw attention to her organization, the Language Defense League.

While she is incarcerated, a local poet, sympathetic with her cause, engages in a publicity stunt on behalf of the Language Defense League by embarking on a 500-mile, pogo-sticking journey from Plymouth Rock to the Lincoln Memorial—with a little, old lady who has a double-dominant personality as his sidekick.

Cassandra’s daughter takes over as director of the Language Defense League and answers accusations that the organization is into language-shaming by saying that they are only trying to help people overcome bad speaking habits and refers them to support groups like You-Knowsers Anonymous.

Clashes between the Language Defense league and its main opposition group, the Freedom of Speech Alliance, turn violent and result in the deployment of the National Guard. From this point, things get a little, you know, out of control.

This farcical story is intended to create a conversation, hopefully an eloquent one.