The Time Travellers' Guide to Total Chaos

For Detective Inspector Harry Wilding, his latest assignment, that of escorting an asylum-seeking alien from another planet, begins in chaos and subsequent events make it seem that life is set to continue that way.

Firstly, he has to endure the humiliation of finding himself the intellectual inferior of Sandy, the alien. A strange and beautiful woman possessing telepathic powers who hails from another world, set in a distant galaxy. Sandy, who, after travelling to Earth, in her quest for sanctuary in England, has given herself up to the Cumbrian Police. Her implausible story arouses the interest of MI5’s Extra Terrestrial Section and Harry’s job is to escort her to London to allow them to interview her. Thinking Sandy to be nothing other than a ‘nutter’, their journey begins. However, they have barely driven more than a few minutes when the paranoid alien senses that a broken-down lorry, blocking the road ahead of them, is actually a hologram, a trap set by her enemies.

This is a fairly routine story about aliens landing in Cumbria, extra terrestrial secret policemen, sexually obsessed portable computers, slavery in the 11th Millennium, the correlation of foot size to libido and much more. Read it at your peril, the author bears no responsibility for the sanity of the reader afterwards.