Let Me Gather Myself

Let Me Gather Myself is a semiautobiographical alternative history and prologue to "I Want Money, Power, and Sex". It is a 50% fictional account that challenges the status quo! No, this is not supplication, revision, entreaty, or a pile of dry Yanga bones on a white escarpment seeking museum installation or begging to be buried. The Yanga bones will lie where they are, and they will not beg to be exalted nor interred. Why did I create this "alternative" history and biography? I created this alternative history and biography because, according to the truth as people are made to believe it, people of colour are a genetically underdeveloped sub-human species of invisible people who wanted to be subjugated, enslaved, terrorized, displaced, colonized, emasculated, oppressed, ostracized, economically underdeveloped, spiritually conned and robbed, and were materially, economically, spiritually, personally, intellectually and historically dispossessed and displaced among other things which are not considered crimes when they happen to Arabs, Blacks and other people of colour according to history because they desired these crimes to be exacted upon them!
I make the assertion here that the global acceptance of deserved and desired oppression of blacks is evinced by the fact that: blacks remain politically, intellectually, socially, and economically subjugated and excluded in a civilized global society where they have no space that is considered deserved or legitimately theirs (owned or borrowed); they have not in all of humanitys history since the practice began, among peer nations and segments of society, of making the moral victim whole regardless of the outcome of war or strife, deserved reparations as other aggrieved ethnicities and nations have deserved reparations; and they are rendered fourth class global citizens by their active or passive exclusion from access to personal, social, political, and economic spaces and endeavour; and most of black Africa, Asia, and Latin America owes money that they never borrowed as free people.
I felt compelled to journal the process of trying to create a map to work my way through a maze that seemed to keep pulling me back.
The sense that I had already hit absolute rock bottom could not stop me from thinking that someone or something would visit meaning to and reprieve from my state of absolute despondence till I fell through the bottom and tumbled even further! I kept finding brief reprieve and then falling through further bottom so that I was not in the abyss anymore - the abyss was within. I fell so far, and kept falling, so that even the colour of dawn was a source of pain! Then I lost the one person who had always helped me find purpose and meaning in the chaos.
I lost my dad at a time when I hadnt made enough sense of how unhappy I was to even unpack it all and ask for help.
My dad always said that if you want to be consistently hopeful and happy then learn how to encourage someone to be hopeful and happy while acting hopeful and happy. He also taught me that if you seek to always be hopeful and useful seek those who choose by example to impart knowledge that builds character and those who nurture understanding that illuminates and makes one socially responsible and useful. It took some time trying and failing for me to then remember that he had also always admonished that you cannot achieve your best self alone. He was fond of saying that forgiveness goes a long way toward making you feel whole again when you choose to be independent of the need for both approval and revenge.

People think that success means that they are happy right now, but even pain has more colours than the millions of colours that pass through the clearest prism.