Secrets of Intimacy: How to Stay on the Next Pillow

What is missing in failed marriages? What is the glue that held happy marriages together? I  had been the child of conflicted parents, over-hearing frequent arguments through my bedroom wall, with my bedroom next to theirs. Firstborn, I had become the confidante of my mother with her taking me on spying trips. That conflict went on for years before they finally divorced when I was 18.  I had tried to be a go-between but failed.

Then, a celibate Catholic priest with no experience of happy marriages, I was completing a clinical internship at the Marriage Council of Philadelphia, considered the premier training for this field, part, of the University of Pennsylvania. We were seeing a diverse number of conflicted marriages.

What was missing? What could possibly be the glue, the needed Right Stuff for happy marriages, I kept pondering. The year was 1968, 25 years before the advent of positive psychology, changing emphasis from the sick and bad stuff  to the healthy good stuff, introduced by Stanley Milgram.

Hounded by the curiosity, I finally decided, after much research, that the elusive stuff was intimacy, which no one had ever studied but many had written about. So, exploring and discovering the components of the felt sense of intimacy became the subject of my doctoral project at University of Pennsylvania. I was able to tap meetings of the Christian Family Movement meeting interviewing couples at Catholic churches  in the suburbs of Philadelphia and Camden.  I found 20 facets or components of intimacy. It was clear that I had discovered the glue of the emotional bonding that sustained conflict and challenges. This research is now published in my book, Secrets of Intimacy, 2016 and now in digital form (2021)

The book is also the result of 40 years of marital therapy and now, blessed, some 50 years marriage to the same partner. We explore what the emotional bond of happy marriages is like and how to achieve  these skills.  Twenty-two chapters of intimate behavior are discussed, unpacked and explored  Themes from Chapter Two:

"We belong together—a sense of comradeship

We respect our differences

We have empathy for each other

We can be ourselves

We strengthen and complete each other

We share all of life

We enjoy and practice a mutual reciprocity

We protect each other

We give and receive tenderness

We show compassion

We help each other grow

"It just feels right" (a sense of total relaxation, gladness, peace, security that was like a sense of "being-at-home")

Each of these experiences emerged in the research. Supporting and non-supporting behaviors are discussed.

This book is useful for personal discovery, couples sharing and classroom discussion. It is recommended for courses in family relatios, marital dynamics, pastoral care and the behavioral sciences, such as mental health, psychology and social work. It is a "go-to" book for counselors of every sort.