The Day I Pounded Upon God's Door

Just as suddenly as the chaotic and terrifying ordeal had all started it seemed as though all movement ceased in a split second.

There was blood sprayed in every direction, inside and out and on the ground. I had blood coming out of my mouth, nose, and ears. The pounding of my heart was mammoth, I could feel it pounding almost at the top of my head.

I was stoic as a statue; expressionless, motionless. The sound of the cold breeze whistled around me like a cruel joke. My jaws were locked, my body began to shiver, and then it shook uncontrollably. My teeth began to chatter.

I had never before experienced such grief in all my life. My mind was just racing, like a fanatic, my heart pounding out of control.

No one could have imagined the depth of my grief at that moment in time. Helpless and immobile, as I stood there watching my husband leave his body I felt that I would lose my mind. I screamed yet there was not a sound that would come out of my mouth! In one long uninterrupted silent scream I screamed at Peter not to die, I screamed at the other driver who caused this nightmare, I screamed at my pathetic legs for not being able to walk. I screamed for God, I screamed to Him for help. "My God, my God, please do not abandon me", I begged Him.

Then from the depths of my soul came a gut-wrenching, primal scream that had been involuntarily released right out of my throat and from the pit of my stomach, a scream so agonizing that one of the men who was standing at the scene immediately covered his ears with both hands and sobbed like a child, his face contorted in obvious torture, his hands tightly squeezing the volatile sounds of my shrieks out of his ears.

It was a scream that was no longer my own but that of a sadness that came from deep within the uncharted and dormant corners of my heart. It was a scream that awakened in me a state of reverence and dread of unmatched proportions.

I fell to my knees and came pounding upon God's door that day!

The speckles of broken glass reflected light like a thousand stars in a fallen sky. I watched in disbelief how we really have no control of our own lives, how with one blink of an eye your whole life can change, forever!