Dear Becky, Unsolicited Comments of a Mother-In-Law (Unabridged‪)‬

In the world of Gertrude Charmaine Beasley, exists the soft-spoken, black-sheep daughter in law, Becky Beasley, married to the not-quite-celebrated son, Matthew. In order to shape Becky into the daughter-in-law she favors (Denise), Gertrude imparts her wisdom, suggestions, and thinly veiled insults through the passive-aggressive art form of letter writing...

Dear Becky,

I wanted to thank you for inviting me over to your quaint home for dinner. I can always tell the character of a person by the cleanness of their home. The carpet deodorizer did a lovely job of adding fragrance to the air and covered some of the burned smells coming from the kitchen. (Did you know you were supposed to vacuum after using the deodorizer, dear?)

I also wanted to complement you on your table decorations. I understand that you're new to home ownership and gardening, so there was no way to know that the flower arrangement you picked was full of rag weed. The children's repeated sneezing was not distracting at all.

But, the main point of my letter was to get the recipe for your tomato sauce. I have never had a sauce with such a distinct flavor. I am usually known for my palette and ability to distinguish flavors, but your sauce has confused me. I could not detect any basil, garlic, onion, olive oil, pepper, or salt. So enlighten me, if you will. Other than tomatoes and water, what did you put in it?

Well, again it was a joy coming over for dinner. I am glad to see that my son and his children, because of your cooking, are remaining fit. Yes, there is no evidence of your spoiling them in any way.

Mom