'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times
'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro
**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year**
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards**
**Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**
You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.
So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.
We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.
I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?
APPLE BOOKS REVIEW
Asked what he would have been had he not become a professional footballer, Peter Crouch once answered with the iconic: “A virgin.” That he’s now responsible for one of sport’s great self-deprecating autobiographies, therefore, comes as little surprise. The former England international tackles his memoir in typically unconventional style, addressing a different element of football life in each chapter. This makes for a brilliantly paced listen; Crouch jumps fluently between the various stops of his eventful career and spills beans in a way that feels affectionate to former teammates and bosses rather than indiscreet. You, of course, get the added bonus of Crouchy's own warm and natural narration—something which makes the whole thing feel like a night down the pub with a close friend.