Pure Providence

All my existence, I have loved one woman.

But she was never meant to be mine.

I loved her when she was the intended bride for another.

I betrayed him too.

I loved her after they married.

I took what wasn’t mine.

I paid my penance by dying in his stead.

But it wasn’t enough to restore the Balance.


When the Goddess gave me a chance to make things right, to serve as a soldier of the Pure Ones, I embraced that offer. Even though what I really wanted to do was stay dead and numb.

Never to be reawakened in this world.

Never to feel again.

To yearn and desire and seethe with jealousy and despair at my own helplessness.

The Goddess warned me at the moment of my death and rebirth not to want her again. For our paths would cross in the future, though I wouldn’t know the time and place. Nor would I recognize her physical incarnation.

For she was never meant to be mine.

Will never be mine.


But the moment I realized who she was—the Pure Queen I’d been assigned to protect as the Paladin—the moment I recognized her soul, I Fell again.

I wanted. I craved. I yearned. I seethed.

I resisted.

I pushed her away over and over again. Made her angry and confused.

Made her hate me.

But Goddess above! I cannot change how I feel. I cannot stop wanting her.

Cannot stop loving her.

All my existence, my body, heart and soul have belonged to one woman.

Even though she can never be mine.

I love her still.

I love her forever.

This is the beginning of the end of our story.

Judge me if you dare.