Medieval Vixen Quest Episode 0: The Search For Shlock

In this epic tale of thud and blunder, eight youths are wasting a beautiful summer afternoon pretending to be adventurers in a generic medieval-style fantasy world, frequently interrupted by arguing about the role-playing game's prissy rules and driving each other up the wall. When one of them casts a spell for real, what happens next makes one of those corny 1980s books warning about the "dangers" of role-playing games seem like a walk in the park.

*** Who says it isn't real?

The smoke began to clear, and they all looked around in amazement. They were inside a dank and dimly lit corridor, with several passages connecting.

Finally, Bartholomew broke the silence. "Yes! It's real! I knew it! I was right all along!"

Nobody laughed at him now. They all realized that the floor plan was the same as that of the dungeon in the game. A green corpse in chainmail was assuming room temperature next to Jethro.

*** Visiting their beloved fantasy world is a dream come true

She reached to her hair. Rather than a two inch crop teased into black spikes, she found long braids the same hue as the mirror's polished copper. "I can't believe I'm back to my natural color, and it's all the way down to my butt. This totally sucks! And no piercings? How's anybody going to know that I'm, you know, an individual? I am so losing this hairdo. Long hair is such a bother to manage! And after I dyed it six months ago, I promised myself I was never going back to natural! I wonder if they have any Miss Clairol here?"

"At least you're still human...!" whined Ludwig. Dudley began to sob anew. Smoky cursed bitterly.

Bart turned to Spike and quipped, "Isn't this something? Three of us are complaining about not being human, and you have your panties all in a bunch because you look the part finally." That drew him some sour gazes.

*** Going native is a piece of cake

Two hours later, they were in a little clearing amidst a forest. The sky was becoming very dark. Their trek was punctuated by percussive slaps; they were losing a war of attrition with a horde of mosquitoes. Finally, somebody spoke. "Hey Galdor," said Mongo, "Do you remember a forest on the map near that village?"

"Well, no."

"Oh really? Then what the hell are we still doin' in the woods?"

Galdor replied with artificial cheeriness, "Gee, I think Pixel said something about a shortcut?"

*** Fortunately, the locals are very friendly and hospitable

The other patron stood up and drew his sword. "As Shire-Reeve of this county, I bid ye to depart!"

Shorty stood and brandished his pink battle axe.

"Shorty, no!" exclaimed Raven. "Don't even think about it!"

"Are you trying to get us killed?" gasped Galdor.

*** Literary standards will be mocked

Ralph said, "Who would have thought - gamers getting zapped into the game? That sounds like the plot for some cheesy story."

Galdor replied, "Well, that's the truth, isn't it? Come to think of it, this sort of premise has been done before. It's nothing groundbreaking, but at least we know the concept works. Kind of like Tron, right? Hopefully, this book will be a big hit, cheesiness notwithstanding."

Pixel giggled. "You're breaking the Fourth Wall!"

"Don't worry, guys," said Mongo. "I bet all this junk is going to get blue penciled."

*** Our intrepid adventurers discover that they're in a fantasy / science fiction crossover

"I understand not these 'aliens'. I have gathered that they dwell in the Empyrean, and thus they must breathe aether as we breathe air."

Pixel interjected, "So you blokes still believe in the Aether Bunny?"