Warm Your Cockles

Hello again, that is if you’re one of the ten nice, gorgeous, lovely (and we hope you are very happy and wealthy beyond your wildest dreams) people who bought one of our other books. We really love our customers and we thought we would give you two options of rewards. The first: If you’re the ten millionth customer to purchase one, we will present you with a five-pound note. The note will be made of plastic and will not fold. The last person we gave a fiver to folded it up and put it in their pocket. It unfolded very quickly and threw them over a wall. It was okay thank God as it was a mattress factory reject yard. The second is, come around to our country mansion and have a cuppa. We must warn you though, about mother, who is completely harmless and just likes wandering around with an axe … and a saw, in case she catches anyone. Just joking! It’s Father; he likes to wear a dress and a wig, although he says that the tights make his legs itch and his ankles swell up when he farts.

Some cheeky people have said that these write-ups are better than the books, the badstars!
They were easily dealt with; we just invited them around for a cuppa; they’re no trouble no more (God rest their souls). The only negative is we find is that we’re running out of room in the cupboard under the stairs. So this little offering is called Warm the Cockles. It’s a bit mad but very normal but you like that don’t you?
The other is a true story about the things that happen in an old folk’s tea- room. And the last set of stories are very short and based on four great jokes I once heard. The very last is a question which should, if we’re luck cause a row with you and your family.
Enjoy.