God Called You

After the sudden death of my father, at nine years old, I found myself talking to strangers who wanted to help me stop feeling sad. I had never been around anyone who could explain coping.

Through extensive therapy, I was immediately intrigued by how the mind worked. I was fascinated in trying to understand how I could manipulate my own negative thoughts and feelings. Learning how to make myself feel okay and safe and finding out how resilient I was opened up a whole new world for me that didn’t have to be filled with anger or abuse. I gained control over myself and my thoughts, which lead me to dive into any aspect of psychology I could. I wanted to absorb as much information I could to make myself a better sister, daughter, friend, and eventually, a mother.

One month after turning seventeen, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl, Macie Dawn, the only thing I had done right thus far. Suddenly, I had someone who couldn’t leave, who would love me no matter what. For the first time in my life, I felt a whole different level of important. I was going to make sure she never felt the pain, sadness, emptiness, and abandonment I felt. A life depended on me.

Her father, Steven, treated me with kindness. I was eighteen, just had a baby my last year of high school, living with my fiancé who is six years my senior, working in a nursing home. It was us three against the world. Steven made sure that our daughter and I were protected, loved, and well taken care of. Although, he and I had a toxic relationship. This was our world; I was going to make our family work. However, I soon realized I couldn’t fix Steven; I couldn’t control his inner demons, from war, from his father’s rejection, from drugs and alcohol. After an unsuccessful ninety-day stay in a treatment facility, Steven was losing his battle with his demons. Then one year to the day after giving birth to our beautiful baby, Steven took his own life.