I'm so, so, Sorry

I am not very good at grief. Who is? Are we even meant to be? And where do you start?

When I lost my dad when I was 22 and he was 51, I was ill-equipped. I did not know it at the time, but I went into a 5-year tailspin of both psychological and physiological illness that cast a long shadow impacting all departments of my life - relationships, career, wellbeing, finances, happiness.

What I also did not know at that time was the lasting effects trauma can have. I did not even know I was suffering from trauma! Then, 31 years later, the emotional earthquake of losing a loved-one struck again. Only this time, not even my maturity could protect from the brutality of the shockwave.

We had tried for a baby for 7 years. Then just when our doctor was suggesting other pathways to parenthood, we 'fell' pregnant. For 40 delight-filled weeks, our anticipation grew to bursting-point. Only for an unexpected need to rush to the maternity unit ending in abject failure, missed opportunities, total disregard for our yearning to be parents and even greater disregard for the wellbeing of our unborn son.

From the heights of delight to the depths of despair, our 28 hour ordeal felt like eternity. But that was only the beginning. This essay - which with your support - may evolve into a book and play - is my account of my decline into chronic PTSD and my hard-fought recovery. My never yielding faith in the benevolence of our universe and how my wife's incredible courage, fortitude and perseverance, overcoming insurmountable odds, led to a golden miracle two years later when our son Dylan was born.

This essay is intended to act as a launch pad to a new movement aimed at helping others overcome grief, ending suffering and building a better world. As I say, this essay is almost a form of crowdfunding a bigger and more ambitious vision. Not only do you help us heal. You help others heal too.

But first I need to build my wife the life she deserves. The life I could have built by now if only I had been stronger and braver at the time. Able to be the advocate my wife and unborn son needed me to be. Hence, your buying my book, could lead to my redemption.

Thank You.