I Think I Scared Her: Growing Up With Psychosis

In third grade I started hearing voices, seeing people chasing me, feeling paranoid, confused, and delusional. I cant remember before third grade, but it is likely that I have had schizoaffective disorder all my life. I was afraid to tell anyone about my issues because I was afraid that the voices would kill me. There were two main voices: the blue and the red. They sometimes just mimicked me, or made me feel guilty about being bad, but they were the most dangerous when they commanded me to kill other people or myself.

I found refuge from the voices by cutting myself to see the blood. This is a habit that has been almost impossible for me to stop. In the seventh grade I threatened my friends and teachers by writing anonymous threat notes. I eventually got caught and I was sent to a psychiatrist by the school. This was my first trip to a psychiatrist and I was eleven years old. I hated it. I cursed at her and wouldnt cooperate. I never went back.

When I was twelve my family moved to Seattle, Washington. I thought I would be able to start over with my life and escape all my pain. Unfortunately, the voices and fears followed me. I was in eighth grade and I started hanging with a bad crowd. I used drugs and had sex. The voices were telling me I was a bad person, so I acted like a bad person. I almost got kicked out of school.

I hit rock bottom on December 5, 1997. I attempted suicide. No one had any idea how much pain I was in and this really surprised them. My parents went into shock. My school counselor who had been helping had no idea that I was so severely ill.

I told the doctors about the voices and the visions, but I couldnt admit to being paranoid because I was so sure that my delusions were real. The doctors tried to help me, but nothing helped. I was in the hospital for most of my senior year of high school. Finally I turned eighteen and I was sent to the adult medical center instead of the childrens hospital and I was told that I would never be able to graduate college or live on my own. This did not stop me though, it inspired me.

My family found a hospital for me in Massachusetts and I moved to Boston into an Adolescent Residential Treatment Center where I got to see a specialist in child psychotic disorders. She found a medicine that my doctors in Seattle had not thought of trying and it was like a miracle drug.

Soon I was out of the hospital and I was back in school, part-time at Brandeis University. My whole family moved to Weston, MA and my little brother started high school there. My older brother went to college in Western MA. Although I was happy to be back in school, I was having a lot of side effects from the medications and I had a hard time concentrating. Brandeis did not have a lot of experience dealing with people with mental illness, or at least I dont think they did because I felt very alone there.

At Brandeis I was majoring in creative writing. After two years I transferred to Simmons College and I am a nursing major. I cant wait to get my R.N. and help patients. My family is moving into Boston soon. My life is going great. I have had a lot of physical setbacksheart problems, diabetes, seizures, hypothyroid, congenital adrenal hyperoplasia, stomach issues, and most recently gallstones. Still, my schizoaffective disorder has been the hardest thing to manage.

I hope this book will help some families that are dealing with mental illness. It shows that kids can make it through psychosis. It also helps families understand what psychosis is really like.