You Mean Me? A Collection of Essays From a Year of Small Doodles & Big Thoughts

Well, while the subject of each essay in You Mean Me? might be different, there's a commonality; in tone of voice; intimacy; one-on-one;  me talking to the reader; as I am right now. Sharing feelings; attitudes; maybe raising questions. Authentic. True. This is me; and I'm not performing.  

Subject in this essay is in itself, me talking about...my essays. 

I'm convinced I was born with a capacity for reading minds; no joke. Right out of the starting gate I knew my father was explosive; unpredictable; ricocheting from violence to compassion in seconds. That my mother was in retreat; regretting the day she married; trapped for life. That my older brother—by three years—was blessed or cursed with a sense of truth and justice, fought back; and regularly suffered the consequences.

As a very small observer, I read the message: Truth is life-threatening; spontaneity kills; screen every word, or die.

The result? I never expressed a true feeling; intuited my father's moods; coddled my mother; never dozed; missed a clue; a watchman on the tower; day and night.

Smothering my feelings; the truth; the injustice; the damage being done; and most importantly; my own rage; my terrors.

And so I had seemingly nightly nightmares; awake; knowing someone; something was in the room; whispering to my brother in his bed; Are you awake? Are you awake; until he stirred. Can I sleep with you? And he always said, Yeah.

Awake the next morning. 

Start all over.

My truth; my stifled feelings; needs; emerging in top to bottom bodily assaults; pains; aches; anxieties.

Incessant; for years; until it became intolerable; followed by more years—these productive—exploring my inner world; accepting what was; my history; the challenge of my childhood; offering me...the who I am...truth; acceptance; understanding; empathy; acknowledging a child's terror and need to survive.

Now on prominent display openly; directly; me. The Who I am; in each and every essay in You Mean Me? 

As witness; this essay you've just read.