To My Dad's Hot Best Friend

To My Dad's Hot Best Friend, 

For obvious reasons, I will never send you this letter, but I have had a crush on you for years! Even though you're what my mom calls a "man whore."

I wonder if you're as good in bed as you claim. Yes, I've listened to your bragging in my father's study during his weekly whiskey nights.

I'd be willing to rate you on a scale of one to ten to let you know if you're really all that. Though we could never tell anyone. Could you imagine the drama? But I won't tell if you won't. Not that you would ever give me a chance. Do you even know my name? I bet I know a way to make you remember.

Anyway, you're far too old for me and too set in your ways. Also, you seem like a real grump when you're not bragging.

Sincerely,

The one girl you will never bang, Shelby 

Shelby,

Was I supposed to read this letter? Is this a practical joke? Or did you happen to walk into the bathroom on purpose last week just to see me naked in the shower? I didn't know your mom called me a man whore. I prefer to call myself a Ladies Man. There's a difference, but you're likely too young to know. I think you need to stick to college boys. You're not ready for a man like me.

Sincerely,

Your Dad's Hot Best Friend