Cocaine for the soul

Cocaine ... for the soul
I've used to write about addictions ... and I've adored doing it.
I did it while being addicted, but also after.
Today i smile reading those thoughts, realising that in fact it was all an ... illusion.
Unfortunately ... I needed that.
And i don't regret it.
Yes ... i have absolutely no regret that things happened, the way happened.
Meanwhile ... i am smiling ... reading those thoughts from my books with love essays.
Many would say ... i was pathetic.
At that time i had considered myself ... authentic.
I felt that i am not anymore into the illusion of ... normality.
But the philosophical question is why the hell i declare today that being in love is an illusion and when i was in love i saw normality as illusion?!
Why this contradiction?!
Maybe ... if i would be wise enough i would accept the theory that all is an illusion.
The addiction is just sort of a cocaine for the soul. Allowing ourselves to experience the illusory, even if we are already into the illusion.
Is like we sleep, we dream ... but while this is happening we asleep again, dreaming about something more beautiful.
Adoring it.
But ....
Then we wake up, not liking the other dream.
The main one.
Hating all.
Reacting so, so ugly.
Even ... as the wild animals.
Is funny.
The illusion of being part of an illusion ... or the illusion of not being part of an illusion?!
I see all as a ... philosophical idea.
A weird concept.
But ... even if I pretend that i am a writer, writing about it ... coming back to myself, i realise that i need that abstract cocaine for the soul.
The illusions.
Yes ... i really need that.
All the time.
Just not to have a boring life.
Cause ... i hate that.
From the bottom of my heart