Paying any price Just to ruin my existence

"When you get what you want it's God's direction.
When you don't get what you want that's God's protection."
I've always wondered why i come into this weird position of not really seeing some of my desires becoming real.
No matter how much i would try to see that happening.
Or ... want.
And it was not only one time like that.
Realising that i am actually stopped to get what i desire ...no matter what.
Somehow ... of some invisible forces.
But ... i also had times when i've been allowed to see my dreams becoming true.
So ... today i dare to ask the philosophical question ... why i am or i am not allowed to get what i want in life?!
And ... why i disagree all the time with the Universe?!
But ... i can not answer to those questions.
Into the end i just see myself ruined mentally and emotionally ... driving crazy, like a small little kid ... cause i don't get what i desire.
Becoming really insane.
And …
Well ... everything just continues ... the way it must be, but i can't accept it.
I keep trying.
I keep forcing things.
Again ... and again ... and again.
Unfortunately ... i am doing that by a lifetime.
I just can't stop myself.
So ... yes ... all continues.
I also continue to study motivation ... illusory believing that i have the right to get whatever i ask to the Universe.
Keeping in mind the law of attraction, but not carrying of its secondary effects.
Then ... into those moments of becoming annoyed ... because i am tortured of certain people or circumstances ... i actually pretend i have no idea what is going on.
And ...
But ... i am still alive.
So ... still pushed to experience lots of weird ugly things.
Having moments when i define my existence as a nightmare, but not being able to accept that i am into such a position cause i don't understand that i can't avoid anymore to deny that i actually know that the Universe is always speaking abstractly to me.
So ... the karmic show of torture ... continues.
And as an idiot ... i say to everyone that ... the Universe doesn't love me, denying my requests.
But ...