This Far

I think most people are rating this book without reading or listening to it because let’s be honest, this woman is all over the media in an unflattering light. As someone whose sibling had an eerily similar suicide loss, I thought this book could help me understand and empathize better with her journey. Unfortunately, or fortunately, most people will never be able to comprehend the wild range of emotions a suicide loss survivor like Allison or my sibling goes through from day to day. That’s probably why people are quick to point out inconsistencies or hard to grapple quotes and stories. Suicide loss survivors are complex beings. Rightfully so. Their entire world was flipped upside down. Everything from the experience with a medium to the thought that her husband’s life isn’t being properly memorialized rings true in my own family’s situation. To other people, it probably looks so messy and convoluted. Because it is. To an ordinary person this book may seem ridiculous and even be angering. I’ll be honest at one time I closed it and didn’t think I would reopen it again because some things ticked me off. Then I opened my heart back up and went forward. I have to commend Allison for being so transparent. Whether you agree or disagree with her words, behaviors or actions, to get out of bed after something like this is a big accomplishment even in itself. Many people would crumble, and she didn’t, and the second half of this book provides a framework and coping mechanisms that can really help a grieving person move forward. I feel like I understand my sibling and other survivors of suicide loss better. To illustrate my points, I’m sharing a quote that really resonated me with. Allison is a beautiful writer (I write professionally for a living):
“Ecstasy and agony are the black and white cookie of the human existence. They exist side by side. Unless you’re content to nibble around the edges of life, you can’t have one without the other. I want my family to take huge bites out of this one beautiful life we’ve been gifted.“
Another takeaway that I think is bold, but should be acknowledged is that Allison is choosing to not romanticize suicide to prevent others from making a decision to end their life. This is again something I don’t think most people would understand unless they too had to pick up the pieces of a suicide loss. While suicide is so sad, it is like cleaning up after a natural disaster. Every person left is never the same again and it can only be compared to a can of white paint that someone stuck a lot of red droplets into. You can stir forever but you’ll never erase the stains. You have to paint the rest of your life with this messy imperfect paint. Allison is very candid about the mess left behind and that’s proving to be unpopular but she’s not wrong. I commend her for this cautionary tale. To anyone contemplating taking their own life, no matter the situation, you are doing no one any favors. There is always a better way.
Do I love every single thing she’s written or shared? Are all her decisions how I would have handled the situation? No. But I’m lucky enough to have never been in her shoes. Being the sibling of a suicide loss survivor doesn’t make me one. We all felt like we knew this family because they’re celebrities, but we have no idea the pain or hurt they were caused. It is more disturbing to me that people feel they have a monopoly on this family’s pain, grief or emotions than anything Allison chose to share. She didn’t have to open up. Was there financial incentive to do so? 100%. She’s got kids to feed and a house to maintain as we all do. Read it and move on folks. But don’t throw stones at her house unless you took the time to actually read the book. You may learn a thing or two about the very real realities of suicide loss. It’s a lesson worth learning.

I’ve been a fan of both Allison and tWitch ever since I first saw them compete (separately) on “So You Think You Can Dance!” As a dancer myself, I immediately connected with Allison because her style of dance was more similar to mine, but boy did I love and admire tWitch… It was a dream of mine to one day go to the Ellen DeGeneres show (before it concluded), and part of my desire to go there was to hopefully be pulled out of the audience by him and get to dance with such an iconic dancer…

When I first heard about his suicide, I was literally stunned and felt like I couldn’t move or breathe myself. It was the closest I’ve ever felt to an “out-of-body experience.” Aside from feeling so horrible to know that he had struggles (that I had no idea of) which caused him to take his own life, my heart IMMEDIATELY went out to Allison and their 3 beautiful children.

I was excited to hear that Allison was writing a book about her experiences in life. To be honest, even before Stephen’s suicide, I knew that she probably had stories to share ever since she came back as an All-Star for season 7 of SYTYCD, and the judges commented about how she had “lived a lot of life” since she participated on the show herself. Neither she nor the judges elaborated any further, so I could tell it was something personal. So when this book was announced I was excited to finally hear her full story.

Allison BEAUTIFULLY writes her story here in a way that makes you feel like you are sitting right beside her as she is telling it. Her words are SO inspirational that I even started using some of her quotes and affirmations in my own life (and even a job interview)!
It bothered me to see that so many members of her family and her so-called “friends” ripped her apart with the release of this book. It truly makes me feel like maybe they have been lucky to not have experienced a loss quite of this magnitude.

You can tell when reading this book that her only intention for writing this book was to give people a reference point and to look for some of the warning signs that were unfortunately missed when it comes to Stephen. I truly think that this book will help people who have lost someone not just to suicide but to death in general. It could even inspire someone who might be experiencing the things that Stephen was going through to seek out help before it’s too late and in turn save their life.

As Allison even said herself… “If you decide to read the book, hopefully you’ll see my intention is to celebrate the love and life I shared with Stephen and our three beautiful children, and also the more complex aspects of both of our lives. I hope that by sharing our full story maybe I can help someone else who might see themselves or a loved one in Stephen. In sharing I hope maybe they catch some of the red flags that I missed before it’s too late. My hope is that we don’t need to lose another husband, brother, father or friend to suicide. I believe that if Stephen were able to choose, he would choose to have his story told if it meant saving even one life. All of the proceeds from the book will be donated to fund the mental health focused foundation I started in Stephen’s honor, Move with Kindness.”

I couldn’t agree with her words more… I send my love, respect, and condolences out to the Boss family… Always! 💞

This book was both heartbreaking and beautiful. Her honesty was exactly what she needed to move on. Twitch will always be remembered but like her pastor says, she and her kids are the heroes.