Dave Barry's Money Secrets
Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?
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- $8.99
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- $8.99
Publisher Description
Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn’t stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as:
• How the U.S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler
• Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money
• Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are—let’s be honest—a no-talent loser
• How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider
• An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel)
• Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy—or, for that matter, sell—real estate
• How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating
• Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one
• How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any
• Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death
• And many, many pictures of Suze Orman
But that’s only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don’t have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics (“Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot”). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can’t afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies.
What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you.
Be honest in your answers: If you lie, you’ll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return.
What is your annual income?
1. More than $50,000.
2. Less than $50,000.
3. However much I get when I return these empties.
Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe?
1. Less than $10,000.
2. More than $10,000.
3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs.
How would you describe your portfolio?
1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities.
2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks.
3. My what?
When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor?
1. The amount of return.
2. The degree of risk.
3. The name of the jockey.
How do you plan to finance your retirement?
1. Savings.
2. Social security.
3. Sale of kidneys.
—from the Introduction: “Why You Need This Book”
Also available as a Crown eBook.
PUBLISHERS WEEKLY
After tackling such varied topics as marriage, sex, home ownership and Japan, Barry invests his jocular style in lampooning the wealth of personal finance guides out there. Mocking these books in format and tone, Barry addresses such important fiscal matters as the workings of the U.S. economy ("the U.S. workforce is engaged in the service economy, consisting of 83 million people in cubicles furtively sending and receiving personal e-mails"), how to get a job ("prove to a prospective employer that you possess the skill and knowledge necessary to string meaningless hyphenated buzzwords together into sentence fragments") and talking to your children about money ("explain to your child that if he buys lemonade from some other kid's stand, then happens to choke on a lemon seed, then you would be in a position to sue the other kid's parents for thousands of dollars"). Barry's satire will have readers laughing at themselves and at high-profile targets like Donald Trump, Alan Greenspan and Suze Orman. Some material, particularly his insights on dealing with spouses or his ideas for innovative pet products, will be familiar to fans, but it will hardly keep them from enjoying another humorous sendup that's right on the money. B&w photos.
Customer Reviews
Funny Money
I love this guy—one of the few laugh out loud funny writers around (the other, P G Wodehouse,is not really “around” technically speaking but still funny). This is one of Dave Barry’s best.
Oh, yes!
Once more, a nice diversion from the usual dismal world news. It's nice to smile, and sometimes laugh out loud. Thank you!