Discombobulated

Mental illness has been my life. It began with deep dark feelings of internal horribleness at age 10 and culminated with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder in my late 30s. What is it like to live with a mental illness? Confusing. For years I could not decipher between real and not real. Dreams, hallucinations and real life blended into one reality. My hallucinations mostly consisted of my being raped. It could happen at any time. Voices would tell me to do things such as drive into a wall or shred my skin. Still, until a major breakdown at age 34 where I discovered I had no self, I was able to hide my terrifying life. I've been hospitalized 2 1/2 times and one year I took medical leave from my job. Proper diagnosis took years. My diagnosis history included Histrionic, Major Depression, Multiple Personality Disorder, and finally Schizoaffective Disorder. With the right therapist, and time, came the correct diagnosis; with the correct diagnosis, came the medication that helped bring my life under control in a good way. The journey has been a long one. Writing my story has been one of physical and emotional need. I had to write it. My message is one of hope. My therapist has written her perspective, too, adding to the completeness of my story. I want people to have a better understanding of mental illness. I want people to know how horrible a mental illness can be, and that there can be hope.