Get away from the city, they said.
You'll love it in the country, they promised.
You inherited a frikkin' mansion, whatcha got to lose?
Yeah, well, that's the last time I listen to those boobs!
It wasn't bad enough that my Pepto-Bismal-pink VW van went missing. But now, Ernesto the Parrot keeps making obscene comments about my butt, Wendy, the one-eyed cat is having a mid-life crisis, and Festus, the dancing donkey has gone on an all vegan diet. Oh, and let me not forget that my dearly-departed Auntie Dot is not-so dearly-departed and she's trying to fix me up with a dead guy.
I swear, the next time somebody leaves me a house… I'm not moving in, I'm just droppin' it on one of my relatives.
See ya' in Asscrack. Anything's better than this crap.