Head Witch in Charge

Childish writing

I think this author needs to rethink her audience. Either she needs to get rid of the spice so it matches with her pre-teen writing style or she needs to figure out how to write like an adult. She overuses the let’s-add-dashes-between-random-sections-of-sentences. Then we can’t forget the constant need to use parenthesis (because how else would the reader know what they need to make this all make sense). The fourth wall breaking was cute for half a second then it just became annoying. The author also really needs to show rather than tell. She used so many similes to force us into feeling a way instead of trying to paint a picture authentically. An actual quote that is a perfect example of this “…the adrenaline pumping through my veins has me as jumpy as a gnome out in public without a hat (which for a gnome is the equivalent of going out naked on Main Street at high noon during a parade where the whole town has turned out and it’s being televised).” It was so unnecessary for most of these comparisons. Don’t assume your readers are too daft to understand what you were implying.