This is the story of my life growing up in Scotland in a "Christian" home. My mum was totally awesome and a great caring mother, but with my dad, I wasn't sure what Christian meant. It was really tough as it seemed my dad was always hitting me. My dad was always putting me down, he always told me that I would amount to nothing and he told me that I was a disgrace to him and the church. Those words resonated in my head for many years. Every job I worked at was the wrong job, even though I loved my jobs, they didn't mean a thing to my dad. There was never a word of encouragement, I was just told that I was a tramp, with my long hair and bleached denim jacket. He told me many times he was ashamed of me. He didn't see any hope for me. At certain times in my life, my dad would push my mum up against the wall, with a clenched fist he would threaten to punch her. I wanted to defend my mum, but I was too young. My dad was a grown-up bully he knew that he was tougher than everyone else in the family, so we were powerless to do anything. Ironically, my dad was a lay pastor and knew the bible inside out, he bragged about having 99% pass marks with distinction, yet, there was one thing my dad couldn't do and that was....love his family. Yes, my dad knew the bible very well, he just didn't know how to apply it. You will read how my dad was involved in theft, lying, cheating and even deceitfulness.
I wasn't beginning to enjoy life anymore with being bullied at school and bullied at home I was starting to feel like a punching bag, I wasn't sure what life was all about. For a while, I played truant from school, for approx. two months. By the age of twelve, I was sexually abused by another man in our town, I was scared to tell my dad in case I got another beating. If something happened in my life it was always my fault. At 13yrs of age I was looking for some kind of love and acceptance, someone who really cared about me, I just wasn't sure where I was going to find it. At the age of thirteen I started drinking and smoking, yes. Finally, now I had found the answer, the comfort I was looking for, this took away my misery for a little while, temporarily anyway. I became a little tougher and joined a gang, the alcohol gave me the false courage I needed. I would act tough and people would start to respect me, now people were scared of me. At last, just what I was looking for, a little bit of respect and adoration. Deep down inside though, I was hurting, always wishing to have a loving family, to be able to go home and feel secure. I knew that my mum loved me, but my dad pushed me away from my home. I didn't know it then, but I wished that my dad had loved me too. As time went on, I eventually got married and after nine years of a turbulent marriage, I eventually became involved in a love affair. Not long after this I was separated and divorced. Not just divorced from my wife, but divorced from my two kids as well. The stress of being away from them was more than I could bare, I couldn't take it any more. I then contemplated suicide. Now I knew I was useless, the words of my dad that I had heard from years before would spin around in my head, you're useless, you're a disgrace, I'm ashamed of you. I was so close to ending my life, then God stepped in at the last minute and saved me, an experience I'll never forget. Hopefully, this book will encourage those who are going through similar situations, that there is a light at the end of every tunnel and hope at the end of every rainbow, for those who are in despair, there is a real God who cares and loves you, when everyone else lets you down, when you feel like you're sinking in quicksand, God is always there reaching out his hand to pull you out, all you have to do...is grab hold of His hand.