What you're reading right now is known as the "cover copy," or “flap copy.” This is where the 84,951 words of my latest book are cooked down to 350 words or less to capture your imagination/download.
I pondered how to do that. Should I cut to the chase and reveal pivotal plot points like the one at the end of the book where the little girl on crutches points an accusing finger and shouts, "the killer is Mr. Porter"?
No. I have too much respect for you as an intelligent consumer to attempt such an obvious ruse.
But let's not play games here. You clicked your way to this page, so you either:
A. Know who I am.
B. Like the cool smoking jacket I'm wearing on the cover.
C. Thought this was a secret link to Ashley Madison.
Is it a sequel to my autobiography If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor? Sadly, no, which made it much harder to write.
Is it an "autobiographical novel"? Yes. I am the lead character in the story (coincidentally an actor), and I am a real person, and everything in the book actually happened - except for the stuff that didn't.
The action revolves around my preparations for a pivotal role in the A-list relationship film, Let's Make Love!
My Homeric attempt to break through the glass ceiling of B-grade genre fair is hampered by a vengeful studio executive and a production that becomes infected by something called the "B-movie virus" - symptoms of which include excessive use of cheesy special effects, slapstick, and projectile vomiting.
From a violent fistfight with a Buddhist to a life-altering stint in federal prison, this novel has it all.
And if the 84,951 words are too time-consuming, there are lots and lots of cool graphics – all of which have been upgraded to vibrant color since the first publication.
I hope you enjoy the book – and if you learn anything at all about making love, please share it with me!
Bruce "Go Ahead and Call Me Ash" Campbell
Satire and sharp one-liners are the engines powering low-budget movie hero Campbell's (If Chins Could Kill) first autobiographical novel, a funny, breezy, high-camp affair. After dispensing B-movie witticisms on romance and navigating love scenes, Sci-Fi channel schlock film actor "Bruce Campbell" is unexpectedly offered the A-list role of a "wise-cracking doorman" and "emotional lynchpin" in the new Mike Nichols romantic comedy Let's Make Love, starring Richard Gere and Renee Zellweger. After getting fully immersed in calamitous role research at the Waldorf-Astoria, Campbell postures (and annoys) his way through the first read-through with indifferent cast members, runs lines with a timid Gere, crassly advises Zellweger on how to accentuate her bust line, dishes ex-husbands with Liz Taylor and berates the film's director of photography, Oscar-winning Vilmos Zsigmond (whose name Campbell spells Sigmund). After a Secret Service ambush and more movie set mayhem, Campbell's A-List luck finally runs out. But not even a bumbling S.W.A.T. team can stop this determined day player from getting his due. Campbell knows of what he writes, and this endless barrage of extreme silliness obviously spoofs (and quite possibly mirrors) a frenzied acting career made up of equal parts exasperation and hilarity.