Married Sex

This book has helped my wife and I open our perspective on our relationship and our sex life. This Christian perspective is what the world needs. Please read along with your spouse and have open honest conversations. Life changing!

Chapter One, titled "The Song of all Songs," opens with information about Jocelyn and Danny's sex life together. The author establishes "Jocelyn" as his everywoman to explain female sexuality to his readers. Unlike boys, Jocelyn never talked about or looked forward to sex as a teenager, and all the women in her Bible study derive more pleasure from verbally bashing their husbands than from having sex with them. I'm tired of christians problematically caricaturing women as frigid prudes. Don't worry, the author eventually gets to the Bible. He quotes Proverbs 5:18-19. Many have already dedicated a lot of ink to his now infamous interpretation: "[Her breasts] give an influence over their husbands that can reset any power imbalances that occur because of other issues. Many young women have learned how one quick flash of their breasts can change the climate in the room like nothing else ever will. This ability to enthrall is a distinctly human characteristic, by the way. A woman's breast are unique among primates...No animals share this trait" (13). The main thesis of the chapter asserts that married sex is the Song of Songs, on the same level of the biblical language of King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and Holy of Holies: "So when describing the sexual relationship between a man and a woman as the 'song of songs,' the Bible doesn't call this physical union merely the most powerful human experience, the most pleasurable human experience, or the most celebrated human experience--it's called the experience beyond all others" (4). I find this interpretation of the Song of Songs to be deeply problematic, for only a minority of God's people--happily married couples, and even then, only for a season, and not in eternity--are able to participate in this Song. Certainly, the poem can and should be read as an erotic song between a husband and wife, for poetry allows for more than one meaning, but I would argue that the correct interpretation of the ultimate "Song of Songs" is the historical understanding of the relationship between Christ and his Bride, the church, a song in which all of God's children get to participate. Aimee Byrd writes "We cannot begin to know the richest way to love our spouse if we do not have our desires properly oriented to our Great Lover, Jesus Christ. Is this not imperative for both singles and marrieds?...The Song does not teach us how to perfect our marriages or single life. It teaches us how to perfect our love for Christ in a knowledge of his love for us" (Sexual Reformation 39). To elevate married sex to the level of the "Song of Songs" feels idolatrous.

Throughout the rest of the book, Gary Thomas frequently invokes biblical design language without backing up his claims with Scripture. One of the worst examples in this book might be on page 55: "The very act of sex speaks of profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiating that requires receiving, control met with surrender. The complementary acts of sex reflect the divine truth of two becoming one." So, according to the author, "divine truth" is that manliness equals forcefulness, initiation, and control. Womanliness is gentle, receptive, and surrendering.

Another use of biblical authority without Scriptural backing is found in Ch 4 - “So by God's design, the husband's generally stronger desire (we know there are exceptions) moves him to be sexually intimate with his wife, which requires him to be relationally and even spiritually intimate, so that the couple's passion is renewed, strengthened, and focused and the husband's view of his wife's beauty above all others is confirmed and even enhanced" (63). The author does not cite a single verse of Scripture to support his belief that men are "designed" to have stronger sexual desire than women, and yet this ideology manifests itself repeatedly throughout the book. Even though the author recognizes women are designed to enjoy sex, he always assumes men need sex in a way that women do not. He spends several pages discussing quantity and desire. Notice how he seems to recognize that both partners can have unmet desire, but it is only the husband who is hurt when his sexual desires are unmet by his wife: "We realize that many wives have a higher libido than their husbands, but to those of you who are married to men with a higher libido, the quantity of sexual activity has the potential to create either long-term gratitude or slow-simmering resentment" (61). He continues that for men, "sex feels like a need" (63), and "what I want for every wife to understand is how vulnerable your husband feels when he approaches you for sex" (66). The problem with Married Sex is there seems to be no recognition of female sexual desire or a clarification of how vulnerable the act of sex is for her too. According to the author, a woman feels most vulnerable when she asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?" (66) not when she offers her desire and whole person to her husband sexually.

The author he oddly summarizes the woman’s description of her lover’s body in Song of Songs with the admonishment for wives to "Imagine the best, most delicious parts of sex, not the 'duty' parts of sex" (146). What parts of sex are supposed to be "duty?" He even disturbingly implies that women should meet their husband's sexual needs in the same way they would get up and feed a crying baby in the middle of the night, not because they feel like it, but because "it's the right thing to do...do it out of love...do it out of commitment" (227). This is a very manipulative example to use on women, and teaching sex is a need the same as food enables addictive/predatory behavior. The continual pressure for women to have obligatory sex with their husbands in Christian resources is borderline abusive.