My Cat's Guide to Online Dating

A hook-up gone bad can be purrder.

Fresh from a breakup, deeply closeted freshman Zach jumps at the chance to housesit his family home and enjoy a long, horny summer free of both his ex and his religious parents. But when an old enemy turned hot hookup falls to his death, Zach turns to the only true friend he’s ever known—his cat, Grace Jones.

With the dead man’s phone and a knack for texting, she promises Zach help, for a price that will satisfy both their appetites. Does it matter if Grace Jones’ powers draw on something far more ancient and sinister than a cell phone?

“Get laid, Zachary. Get laid.”

Each new hook-up brings Zach darkly humorous discoveries about life, love, sex, and his own desires. But Zach knows it’s only a matter of time before someone discovers his secret. Can he rely on his feline protector, or is he trapped in a hungry devil’s bargain?

Christian Baines is an awkward nerd turned slightly less awkward novelist. His work includes the paranormal series The Arcadia Trust, novella Skin, and Puppet Boy, a finalist for the 2016 Saints and Sinners Emerging Writer Award. Born in Australia, he now travels the world whenever possible, living, writing, and shivering in Toronto, Canada on the occasions he can’t find his passport.
“The author of Puppet Boy this time brings you a gentle romance full of meet-cutes, coffee dates, and talking cats. Sorry, make that a pitch-black sex comedy, with aggressive outdoor hook-ups, unusual tasty treats, and… well, the talking cat bit is true. My Cat’s Guide to Online Dating sits somewhere between Gregg Araki for the Grindr generation and what might happen if Dennis Cooper wrote a romcom. Filthy, surreal and darkly funny, you’re in for a ride that’s going to leave you hungry for flesh in all sorts of unexpected ways.” — Matthew Bright, author of The Library of Lost Things

“One of the most unique books I’ve read – by turns frightening, hilarious, bizarre, and very, very erotic.” — Rob Byrnes, author of Straight Lies and The Night We Met

“Christian Baines shows a kitty has more than claws, taking readers along hairpin turns into suburban sprawl and angst, dropping them into a deck of adventurous male/male hookups. The outré quieter moments evoke indie films including Gregg Araki’s The Living End, Tim Hunter’s River’s Edge, and Richard Linklater’s SubUrbia. Baines renders the reader complicit with the voracious appetite of his hero Zach and his familiar, Grace Jones. And, at the novel’s heart, there darkly beats a steadily mounting horror. Eat this one up!”— James K. Moran, author of Fear Itself and Town & Train

“One hell of a ride. Dark, disturbing, and that’s just the cat.” — ‘Nathan Burgoine, author of Exit Plans for Teenage Freaks