GOOD GOD—YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG . . .
The Association for the Betterment of Sex (A.B.S.) presents Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk, a radical and invaluable resource for improving your sexual communication—whether you have been in a committed relationship for years, or have just moments ago removed the shrinkwrap from your new Japanese body pillow.
Here are just a few sensual revelations you’ll find within these pages:
- The precise location of the female G-spot (latitude and longitude)
- “Going on tour with Midnight Oil” and more outmoded masturbation slang
- Forced perspective and other techniques for visually enhancing the size of your member
- The Top Five pastry-related euphemisms for female genitalia
- How to score big at your next swingers’ party, with our crowd-pleasing ambrosia-salad recipe
- Listings of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” dry-cleaning services, for freshening up your vinyl fetishwear or adult-sized Tigger costume
- Your first threesome, and how the ancient Mayans predicted it wouldn’t go over so hot
Exhaustively researched and fully illustrated, Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk is a must-read for you, your sexual partner(s), and anyone who wishes there was more to sex than thrashing around for a few seconds and begging for forgiveness.
A spot-on parody of earnest sex guides, Our Bodies, Our Junk is a hilarious and addictive page-turner co-written by The Onion staff writer Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, writer-comedian Ted Travelstead, Daily Show veteran Scott Jacobson, and Todd Levin, who has written for Late Night With Conan O'Brien and Onion News Network. Their fictitious agency offers all manner of improper, inappropriate, and hilarious advice, including helpful pickup lines like "you might recognize me from your window," songs designed to help educate children about sex, such as "Doggy Honks the Horn (The Clitoris Song)," "Five Public Places You Can Masturbate Without Ever Being Detected" (including the pets department at Walmart), and "firsthand accounts of the alleged female orgasm.'" Daring to answer such questions as "How Much Masturbation is Too Much Masturbation?" and offering sidebars on "Swinging: What Your Mailman Is Referring to When He Asks if You Party" and "Gorillas In the Mist: Navigating the Sexual Dynamics of a Health Club Steam Room," the team never miss an opportunity to skewer popular stereotypes and established facts in an acerbic, witty take on a prime subject.