Hey! I'm Dave. And you have questions. You're probably starting with this one:
"Why should I not only buy, but actually read this book?"
Look, no matter what religious doctrine, books, laws, or commandments you follow (and even if you don't), 100% of you have committed sins, shameful deeds, etc. (Quit lying to yourself, yes you have. For some of you, it probably happened within the past hour.) Ergo, when you reach the afterlife, for a lot of you there’s going to be a closed door to the escalator heading Upstairs, probably guarded by two big goons with big stupid wings.
Shock of all shockers! You’re headed Downstairs.
"So, what happens down there, Dave? Is it really all that bad?"
Welp, I'll be honest. Most of you are probably looking at spending the rest of eternity working in wart diagnostics, slaving away in a food court (haha, "food"), or any of a thousand other awful careers. Did I mention the plumbing level?
"Isn’t there any hope, Dave?"
Oh, I'm so very glad you asked!
In my book, I give you the skinny and the lowdown on EVIL. What it is, how it works, and how to use said information therein to make your afterlife less pitiful. Heck, there’s even a test to assess your evil skills to see where you stack up and decide if you should work a little harder to better your situation. Because you can! Better your afterlife situation, that is.
Sure, you can ignore me. But while I’m not all "omniscient" like the Big Guy Upstairs (cheater), I’ll know whether you snubbed me because the old adage stands: you can’t bullsh-- a bullsh--er.
What’s a few measly bucks anyway if it earns you a decent apartment in the hereafter? Then you can point and laugh at all your friends who gave you crap for buying the book. (Trust me, they’re on their way Downstairs, too.)
So, come on! Don’t be afraid. You might actually learn something of value…not like high school and college—and it’s a lot cheaper!
~ Dave E. Lish
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"Dave E. Lish Presents: The Beginner's Guide to Being Evil," brought to you by the meat suit known as Craig Crawford, is a satire novella published by Mannison Press, LLC.