So, you’ve been ripped out from your mother’s paws and taken in by a strange family of humans that has kids who insist on flapping your floppy ears and dressing you up like a ladybug. These new human-folk are trying to “teach” you things, like sitting or not ripping apart their fun-looking shoes, and you might start to think you should try to “obey.” But I know better; I’ve been around the block and peed on most parts of it. Puppies like you need my—wait, somebody just walked in with a hamburger. Gotta check this out.
Ok, back now. Anyway, to survive in this world filled with brown-clad fools delivering packages and leashes, you need my guide to show you what’s what in this dog-eat-dog world of ours. Like dog beds; your human might try to force you to sleep in one of these, but with my sly techniques I can show you how to weasel your way into their clean, fresh-smelling king-sized bed, or even stretch yourself out and have it all to yourself. Those imbeciles might think they are your owner, but you’ll show them who really owns who armed with knowledge on these subjects:
- Advanced barking—how loud and annoying can you go?
- Cars—catch your Moby Dick
- Licking—what, where, when, and why
- Biting—ask questions later
- Welcoming guests—try not to hyperventilate
- And much more!
Communicating with humans can be difficult, as they are not very smart, but they give you things and throw you balls, so you might as well try to amuse them.
Not only dog lovers will be charmed by this hilarious how-to guide, ostensibly aimed at younger canines, offering, according to Rufus (the "old" dog who is purportedly the book's real author), "a collection of wisdom passed down through the years from dog to dog." These ideas should help the dog reader both lead "a more meaningful dog life" and help humans lead "less pathetic" ones. The tongue-in-cheek style continues with a glossary that defines a newspaper as "soft, very eatable, chewable thing suitable for gnawing, chomping, and spreading around the house." The subtitle gives an accurate sense of the broad scope of topics covered, in sections such as "Human Food: Our Central Purpose (A Mission Statement"; "Licking: What, Where, When, and Why"; and "Cats: An Evolutionary Mistake." The Arnsteins (or Rufus, if you will) offer review questions to enable self-assessment of mastery of the material by his target audience. The practice pointers for the younger generation are enhanced by photos demonstrating skills to be mastered like the "Grab-and-Go" maneuver to liberate tasty food from a kitchen table. The authors provide trenchant observations about human nature (eating while talking keeps people from enjoying either, and is the sort of multitasking dogs would never do). Readers will discover laughs on every page.