The Jest Book

V.—COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.

Lord Chancellor Hardwick's bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size."

VI.—AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.

The following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:—

"Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,

And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,

The diamond quit—with me the pencil take,

So shall your shame but short duration make;

For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,

With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,

Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell

Who 't was that wrote so ill!—and loved so well!"

VII.—NO HARM DONE.

A man of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then, I shall soon make up the quarrel."

VIII.—BEARDING A BARBER.

A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No, no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that  does not satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye,pit on my beard again."

IX.—CHANGING HIS COAT.

A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I introduce him?"—"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a Liveryman of the city of London. What is more honorable?"