The MisreadBible: Genesis

A collection of twisted Bible tales from the warped mind of J. R. Eldridge. Drawing from his fascination with religion and mythology, Eldridge takes the reader on a journey from the creation of the universe to the arrival of the Israelites in Egypt in this blasphemously funny collection.

A lonely deity creates the universe in his mother’s basement and makes a little clay man who falls in love with his own rib. After the humans engage in some freaky angel sex, God decides to flood the entire world, saving only a drunkard called Noah and his family.

Once the humans have repopulated the Earth, God chooses one man called Abram, drags him from his home in the middle of the night, changes his name, and then tells him to kill his son, forming an everlasting covenant with him and his descendants.

Later, Jacob steals his brother’s birthmark, boinks his cousins, and comes up with an innovative way to breed sheep. He fathers a dozen kids including Joseph, whose brothers get tired of his dreams of grandeur and sell him to some shapeshifting Ishmaelites who take him to Egypt.