The Surrey Bigfoot

Charlie Andrews is an acerbic, misanthropic individual who has lost everything in an unpleasant divorce and takes refuge in Upper Goat’s Bottom, a village west of London largely isolated for several decades between various motorway intersections. At first he finds the residents strange and inhospitable but slowly blends in with their peculiar ways. He then becomes more involved as he attempts to save the village from destruction under the proposals for Heathrow’s Third Runway. One plan is to spread rumours that Heathrow, Gatwick, Stanstead and even the fetid marshes of the Thames Estuary have been ruled out for possible expansion and the new ‘London Hub Airport’ is to be in St Ives in Cornwall, which causes near insurrection from everyone who would be affected across Southern England despite futile and repeated denials from the Government. When that scam eventually falls flat he devises a different tactic, claiming that the village and the surrounding land need to be conserved in order to protect endangered species. Realising that Natterjack toads, Great Crested newts and rare butterflies would not be enough to deter the onrush of a major redevelopment, he lays claim that the area is home to a previously unknown species of British Sasquatch – the Surrey Bigfoot. The idea, ridiculous as it seems, captures the attention of anthropologists, sightseers, animal lovers, hoaxers and even some big-game hunters looking for the ultimate sporting trophy.
His efforts elevate his standing amongst the local residents and he ends up married to the horsey daughter of the local Lord and Lady who he intends subsequently to exterminate in order to get his hands on their estate, rather than waste time waiting to inherit it through his new bride. As it happens his wife, romantically involved with the chauffeur, has the same intention and beats him to it, although for a while he is arrested and held as the main suspect. About the same time he uncovers strange sexual goings-on amongst the villagers and a hierarchy which extends to the church, senior police offices and even government ministers. This, even by his abysmally low moral standards, disturbs him and he tracks down the cause of this immoral and lascivious behaviour to a source of underground water that has become contaminated by numerous drums of chemicals buried by the military after the First World War. His attempts to capitalise on the water’s aphrodisiac properties leads to chaos, a great many unfortunate deaths and the destruction of Upper Goat’s Bottom.
The authorities decide they have had enough of Charlie Andrews and he is forcibly relocated, with an unpleasant new identify, to where he can hopefully do no harm. Fortunately, after having experienced financial ruin once before, he has taken steps to stash enough valuables away to allow him to remain a wealthy and profligate undesirable.