You Cannot Be Serious‪!‬

This is a book for the sports lover.

Some of us spend too much time in the shed listening to sport on the radio and hogging the television. The thing about sports lovers is that we hate so much about it, we shout at the radio and the television; we love sport so much that if any of it makes us cross, it makes us FURIOUS. So this is a book for us, the sports loving angry brigade.

So, introducing: Frank Lampard; badge kissing (Frank Lampard); Neville Neville, for producing the Neville brothers (sparing his lovely daughter, who is a terrific hockey player); Ally McCoist; John Fashanu; Gary Player; Gavin Henson; Sebastian Coe; Lewis Hamilton (obviously); Cristiano Ronaldo; Tim Henman; 'Beefy' and 'Lamby' adverts; Tim Henman's mother; dressage; Tim Henman's father; Pro-celebrity golf (which Tim Henman plays); Will Carling; Fatima Whitbread; the truly awful Sir Clive Woodward; Torville and Dean; Joey Barton; national anthems; Peter Crouch; grunting female tennis players; Nigel Mansell; Paul Ince (Incy); ); Mark Lawrensen; the fella in the Union Jack outfit at sporting events, particularly cricket, who I think is dead now; Tony Blair for his heading thing with Kevin Keegan; SIR Nick Faldo (for goodness sake); Matthew Hayden (a self-professed devout Christian off the field, a sneering bully on it); Dwain Chambers; opening ceremonies; David O'Leary; Argentinian polo players; Ashley Cole; Sports Personality of the Year Award (used to be so fantastic, terrible now); Ron Atkinson – you know why; Prince William and Prince Harry; Cliff Richard (the reason they got the roof); the haka; Will Carling; Peter Alliss – very very bad, possibly evil, a very big contender for the number one spot; Max Moseley; certainly Bernie Ecclestone; Billy Bowden and his stupid signals ('Jesus is the third umpire in my life'); American golf fans who shout out 'in the hole'; the green jacket; the Barmy Army.

About the author

Matthew Norman is a journalist and broadcaster in many forms. He writes about sport for the Evening Standard, has a column in the Independent, and is the Guardian’s Restaurant reviewer. He is married and lives in London.