ZODIAK ATTACK: and don't blame Mercury this time‪.‬

ZODIAK ATTACK is a wickedly accurate, brutally hilarious cosmic roast of all twelve zodiac signs, delivered by Nostrasarcastus—the universe’s most exhausted psychic judge—and the only astrologer brave enough to co-write with him: Christopher Tolerant.

This is not a guide to inner peace. This is a guided tour of your inner disaster. Inside these pages, every sign gets dragged through the celestial mud with precision-level pettiness: Aries blows things up, Taurus refuses to move, Gemini talks their way into HR court, Cancer weaponizes nostalgia, Leo requires applause to breathe, Virgo labels your trauma, Libra negotiates with themselves, Scorpio sees your soul and hates it, Sagittarius runs from responsibility at the speed of Wi-Fi, Capricorn monetizes grief, Aquarius detaches from humanity, and Pisces dissolves into emotional seawater.

Packed with planetary restraining orders, zodiac small-claims court cases, speed-dating catastrophes, escape rooms based on your worst traits, and mini “horror-scopes” that hit a little too close to home, this book is the perfect gift for anyone who’s ever been personally victimized by their birth chart—or someone else’s.

Savage. Insightful. Uncomfortably true.

If you’ve ever asked the stars for guidance, prepare to be lovingly roasted instead. Because in this universe?

Twelve signs. Zero survivors.